Modesty
Modesty can be a real challenge for parents, who are competing with a celebration of immorality in the media, the schools and even books. For the Strength of Youth is a pamphlet published by the church to help youth, their parents and their leaders discuss issues of morality and spirituality with teenagers. This should be the guide children are sent to when you disagree on standards. Whatever their friends might tell them, you are the parent and have the final say. The pamphlet can be a gentle way to cast a deciding vote.
The pamphlet explains that our bodies are sacred and must be treated with respect. Page fourteen says, "Prophets of God have always counseled His children to dress modestly. The way you dress is a reflection of what you are on the inside. Your dress and grooming send messages about you to others and influence the way you and others act. When you are well groomed and modestly dressed, you invite the companionship of the Spirit and can exercise a good influence on those around you."
This subject makes an excellent family home evening. Ask your children to tell you how they choose their clothing and how others choose their clothing. What messages are they trying to send with their clothing? If they deny they are sending any messages at all, point out that others will read a message into their clothing whether they want to send one or not. Ask them to tell you about teenagers they know. How do those teens dress? Show pictures of teenagers from magazines and ask your teens and children to tell what sort of person they expect that person to be, based on clothing, hair, make-up and appearance. Ask them to again evaluate the messages their clothing might send to others.
Invite your children to read page fourteen of the pamphlet together and discuss the message it offers. This page teaches why dress standards must be followed, and also offers guidelines for appropriate dress. These guidelines include:
- No short shorts or skirts
- No tight clothing
- No bare midriff
- No revealing attire
- No clothing that is low-cut in the front or the back.
- No extremes
So what does this leave? Your teens may insist there are no cute outfits in all the world that match these standards. It is not enough to offer the don'ts. You also have to show them what they can wear. This will require a field trip to various stores to search for teen-approved clothing that meets church standards. Prior to this field trip, you may want to examine pictures of teenagers in the New Era, and talk about how these teenagers look and what messages they are submitting. If your teenager’s wardrobe is largely inappropriate, you may want to offer some financial assistance in providing appropriate new clothing on the condition that all of the inappropriate clothes your teen currently owns be thrown out or modified. This will add excitement to the field trip.
When I first joined the church, I was told the best guideline was to wear clothing I could continue to wear after going to the temple. Discuss with your teenagers what this means and use this as your guideline for approving new outfits. A recent standards night speaker in my previous stake said a teenager was appropriately dressed if her face was the first thing people noticed. (This is assuming her hair isn’t purple and her eye make-up extreme, of course.) It is also important not to allow your teenager to have duel wardrobes, such as a bikini for everyday use, and a modest one-piece for church events. If the teenager can’t wear it to church, she shouldn’t wear it anywhere. Allowing your teens to have a double standard suggests that obeying the commandments is only for show.
Be certain your own wardrobe meets the church guidelines. At a recent standards night, the speaker pointed out that these standards were for everyone in the church, not just teenagers. That means our young children should be following them, and so should we. Be sure to address this issue on a regular basis, and to discuss with your children how they feel about their appearance.
Issues that may come up in your discussions:
1. Boys won’t pay attention to me if I’m dressed like that. (Do they really want boys who are interested in their bodies instead of their spirits?)
2. I won’t have any friends. (True friendship is not based on appearance.)
3. It’s really hard to find modest clothing. (Learn to sew or start searching before the need is desperate.)
4. Those things aren’t in style. (There are always some modest items that are in style, and your teen can just become a trend-setter. If she invites her friends to help her find clothes that match her standards, they may become interested in the challenge and will accept her clothing because they helped to choose it. It also serves as a missionary tool.)
5. Things were different when you were my age. You don’t understand. (God wasn’t different then, and you do understand. Share your own experiences with dress standards.)
For further study:
Gordon B. Hinckley, “A Prophet’s Counsel and Prayer for Youth,” New Era, Jan. 2001, 4"
The prophet introduces his now-famous B’s and offers this thought: “How truly beautiful is a well-groomed young woman who is clean in body and mind. She is a daughter of God in whom her Eternal Father can take pride. How handsome is a young man who is well groomed. He is a son of God, deemed worthy of holding the holy priesthood of God. He does not need tattoos or earrings on or in his body. The First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve are all united in counseling against these things.”