Teens and Agency
Resource: Strength of Youth. See section on agency.
The scariest part of raising teenagers is knowing that their choices have consequences that can affect not only their own lives, but the lives of others for an eternity. As the child gets older, the choices become greater. Greater choices lead to greater consequences. It is important to talk to teens about the power they have to make decisions. Teens like the idea of being old enough to make important decisions about their lives, but there are two important aspects of decision making that all teens need to understand.
All choices have consequences. The consequences might be positive, or they might be negative, but the teenager, although able to choose a course of action, cannot choose the consequences of his choices. These result from the choices he makes. Secondly, he must understand that his choices seldom affect only him. Others will nearly always be affected by every choice he makes, both now and in the future, and they also may be unable to choose the consequences of his actions.
If you are holding family nights, this is an excellent lesson topic. If not, you can introduce the topic during daily conversation. Following is a sample family night lesson to use in teaching your teens about choices.
1. Display a poster saying, "This is my life, and I can do as I please with it." Ask your children to discuss this issue. Don't debate it with them, but simply listen and ask questions. This is when you will find out what they already know about this subject.
2. Suggest a game. Blindfold one or more children and tell them they will tour the house with a guide. Ask them if they trust the guide enough to do that. Let them try it out if you like. Then return, and tell them you are going to do it all over again, but this time, the guide can choose whether or not to give you safe directions for getting around. Do they still want to trust their guide? Point out that it is the guide's life and he can do as he chooses. He can choose to be a safe guide, or he can choose to make bad decisions and harm the person he is leading. Teens should be able to make the connection between the sign and the object of the lesson: We are free to make choices, but those choices can have negative effects on others.
2. Point out to your teens that in the above activity, they were allowed to choose whether or not to be endangered by the guide. In real life, people often make decisions that affect us, but often we are not free to choose whether or not to participate. Ask them to offer examples of these kinds of decisions.
3. Prepare in advance papers with short stories of people who have choices to make. (The end of the article lists sample situations.) Place them in a container. (You might want to have different containers for older and younger family members, since younger children who are participating will not be able to judge the consequences of some choices teens face.) Have the children take turns drawing from the container and reading the stories. List on a wipe-off board what all the possible choices are. (This is better than simply asking what the person should do. Many teens, particularly those who have been going to church since childhood, know the correct answer. Listing all possible options forces them to realize there may be some gray areas in making decisions.) Then, list all possible consequences for each decision. Note who the consequences will affect. Ask each time if the others affected will be able to choose to be a part of the consequence.
4. Ask teens to write on a sheet of paper some decisions they are dealing with, and to evaluate these decisions in the way you have done with the imaginary ones. Tell them they do not have to share these with anyone, but that you are available to discuss them if they choose to do so later (or now if the children prefer.)
5. Encourage your children to think through every important decision they make. They are nearing adulthood now and they need to develop skills that will allow them to make wise choices. The kinds of choices they make now, concerning drugs, alcohol, school, dating, and so on will have an affect on their adult lives.
Sample choices for discussion:
1. Alan considers dropping out of school at the age of sixteen. He has been offered a full-time job in a fast food restaurant. (He can choose to stay in school or drop out. This affects his ability to get good jobs in the future, since even many fast-food places require a high school diploma. Not only will he be affected, but should he marry and have children, the children are likely to grow up poor, and this is a consequence they cannot choose.)
2. Allyson has been asked out by a really handsome young man with a prison record. He still gets into trouble a lot, but Allyson thinks he just needs someone to care about him, because he comes from a bad home. (Be sure to point out that sometimes we fall in love with people we never intended to fall in love with, and also that Allyson can not count on him changing.)
3. Debbie attends a party and discovers there is alcohol. (Be sure to remind them that it is illegal in most areas just to be at a party where alcohol is being served to minors. If the police show up, she will be arrested even if she chooses not to drink. Then her family will be affected. A police record can affect her ability to get scholarships, be accepted to college and even to participate in sports at some high schools. In addition, it is possible she will be talked into drinking or that someone will secretly add alcohol to her drink.)
4. Janine is so busy with sports that her grades are slipping. If she doesn't bring them up, she will be suspended from the team. (Choices: Bring them up by giving up something else, let them continue to fall, don't study but let someone help you cheat, etc.)