Imperfect Parenting
I used to hate Mother's Day, parenting books and inspirational parenting lessons. All that discussion of perfect mothers... who could measure up? I couldn't. I couldn't even come close and the realization sometimes made me feel like a complete failure as a parent.
Obviously that was nonsense. I did many things that were right. I read to my children, listened when they talked, played with them, took them places, taught them things... all the really important things parents are supposed to do. My kids turned out okay. So, why do we, as parents, put so much on ourselves? Why do we expect more from ourselves than we do of others? Many times I've comforted a grieving or frustrated parent with the assurance that they had done all they could and it was enough. It wasn't enough for me, though.
There is no such thing as a perfect parent. Those ideal examples held up to us by famous people are not honest, balanced portrayals of a real person. They are starry memories of a person trying to honor his parent-or to brag a little. Everyone yells sometimes, or says something he regrets, or forgets to do something essential. This is real life. In real life, we all goof.
And then there are the goofs that might not be goofs. There are many ways to run a family, and most of them are acceptable. There is no proven way to do this. Should you put your child in lessons like "all" the other teens? It doesn't matter! Should you go on big vacations or take local trips? It won't matter in the long run. Should you live in one house all your life or move around? Who knows? There are decisions that matter, but many of the decisions we agonize over aren't that important in terms of how our kids turn out. Their opinion doesn't help. They are just guessing, too.
I once knew a family in which two siblings chose to raise their families in completely different ways. One teenaged girl was incredibly jealous of her cousins. Now they had the perfect life. Their mother was PTA president, Girl Scout leader, Cheerleader Mom...you name it, that mother did it. Her own mother was shy and preferred to help by sending in some cookies or something--anything that didn't involve a personal appearance. Her cousins went on vacations to great places like the Grand Canyon or Canada. Her family started to go to Canada too...but they kept getting sidetracked. Whenever they saw something interesting along the way, they stopped and explored, and they never did get all the way to Canada. They never went anywhere good.
When the girl grew up, she was having one of those popular Remember When We Were Kids conversations with her cousin. Much to her surprise, her cousin confessed that she had always hated her childhood, and had longed to be a part of this girl's family instead. She hated having her mother involved in everything she did. She hated always getting to where they were going because they stuck to a regimented schedule, no matter what distractions came along. She hated having such busy, involved parents that they didn't, in her mind, have enough time to sit and goof off with her as the other mother, who was always at home, did. She'd always wanted to be in the other cousin's family instead. So... you just never know. Both choices were just fine, but some children will prefer one method and some will prefer another. And, of course, it is possible that even if the cousins had switched lives, they still would have been miserable--isn't that what makes kids the happiest?
-by Terrie Lynn Bittner
